The lower common room of Wycliffe Hall was abuzz with students. Voices thrummed through the high, bright space of the ground floor room as rain gathered out the window and seats were snatched. Our orientation program was well under way, but the next few sessions were of especial importance; the kind with information to set a new student on her feet, point out the mountain road of study, and tell her exactly how to walk. I sat, pen at the ready in a restless hover over my blank notebook page (I still haven’t learned to take effective notes on a laptop), heartbeat a little fast.
To be a student in Oxford is to accept a flung challenge. Yes, you do have to jump through numerous hoops and answer many questions and do your best to sound intelligent, well-bred, articulate, and humble all at once to even get a chance at the challenge. But once you’re here, every thread of brain tightens, muscles tense, soul and heart grow taut with the sense that much is expected of those who come. Maybe it’s partly my own inner perfectionist, the girl who cannot stand to fail, that goads me with this forward motion, but the expectation of that day and of those around me was tangible. I was ready to write down every jot of library info, college standards, house rules, and tutorial expectations.
So when a tall, kindly tutor rose with a swift smile and a quick welcome, I was a little surprised at his ease. He had us laughing within a minute, and told us that what he wanted to talk about was what our thinking ought to be while we were here. Not merely how to footnote, but how to be faithful. I settled back in my seat. My fingers eased in their grip on the pen. I had expected solemnity and loads of directives. Instead, over the next half hour of Rev’d Dr. James Robson’s talk, I found a buoyancy of heart that grew with each point he made. For what he presented were seven ideas describing just what the point of all our study and reading and thought ought to be. Amidst the clamor of my arrival, when the larger point of my work here could have been obscured by details, or fear, Dr. Robson cast a visional framework that renewed not just my faith, but my sense of purpose in the mountains of work ahead.
So I couldn’t resist sharing his major points with you, because I think there are countless ways in which these principles could be applied. To cultural engagement. To childhood education. To mentoring. To formation of soul and self. To formation of church, or mission. We need thoughtful roadmaps like these to help us envision what we desire as we study, teach, read, and then create from all we have gathered along the way. Without further ado, Dr. Robson’s seven values (Dr. Robson very kindly gave me permission to use his material here; his points are in bold with the notes I jotted in italic bold, and my thoughts from that day are in italics). Our thinking ought to be:
- Informed :: The aim is to dispel ignorance. To know what we know with great depth and intricacy, whether that is the nature of God or the function of language. To read, question, and wrestle with those who have gone deep in thought before us, and to then form our own beliefs in conversation with them. I’m reminded here of how language expands our consciousness. How each word, thought, or imagined figure enriches the inner soil from which our belief, creativity, and selfhood grows. To learn, to read, to be informed is to widen the horizon of spiritual imagination. In learning, we become more than we were before, and our capacity to give expands as well. What a privilege, then, to learn, and what a gift.
- Humble :: We see in part, each limited by his or her own point of view. We see one aspect of the world, one facet of the cut, shimmering diamond of reality. We must value what we know, yes, but recognize its limitation. We must always be willing to question, or expand our ideas based on the challenge of Scripture. I’ve only been here a week and already I have heard so many stories, heard so many passionate ideas stated, and formed new friendships with people from vastly differing cultures and histories. My concept of the world has expanded. I am keenly aware of both my own unique story, and the fact that it is one of countless histories adding to the great Story of God. In that context, there is no room for pride of place.
- Critical :: Is this right? God gave us minds to discern between the good and the bad, the true and the false. Our learning is meant to strengthen us in this endeavor, so that we can ask the questions that must be asked about soul and mind, Church and culture. We ask for evidence, we read vigorously, we think with rigor. I feel often paralyzed by the plethora of choices, opinions, and beliefs encountered in the space of a day. This particular value is a tonic to me; an assurance that with Scripture, study, and careful thought, I am fully able to discern what is right, what is good, and what that knowledge requires of me. Life’s more simple than it seems when a cool mind and a peaceful heart are in place.
- Analytical :: Here, we practice the discipline of logical thinking. We learn to ask the questions that get to the pith of the matter. We learn to discern what is truly being stated, asked, or assumed in the thoughts of others. This, after my various spates as a student mentor, strikes me hard. One thing I had to learn in mentoring others was that often, the question verbalized wasn’t really the question being asked. To discern what truly is at stake, to ask the kind of questions that lay open the heart of a matter is a discipline I’ve had to learn with much last minute prayer. Of course, academically, this value is straightforward, more about intellectual clarity. Clarity of thought. And brevity. Those will take some work!
- Independent :: We are self-starting, self-driven educators who take ownership of our learning. Part of this is a resistance to herd-like thinking. We think in community, certainly, but we think independently as well, willing to question instead of simply assume. And this is why I’m at Oxford. “Think of yourself,” said a new friend here, a little ahead of me on the same course,” as a scholar in training. You’re just a ways back from the great ones, but you’re on the same path. And you have to do the same work with the same integrity if you want to follow them.” Hard work, that, the discipline of setting essay schedules for myself, doing the extra bit of research I really could skip, answering the question fully instead of in part. But an honor too. To be trusted to learn, to do work worthy of a tutor’s time. And then to take that learning, apply the same independence and give it back in a meaningful way to the world. Beautiful challenge.
- Integrative :: Our learning must rightly enrich our actions. Theological study must enrich and further our discipleship. Otherwise, it is a useless endeavor. Oh, this beauty-loving, life-making girl loves this. Our contemplations must find meaningful, embodied expression. To hold knowledge apart, in an isolated box in our minds, is to make it meaningless. It must be applied, lived, incarnated into every aspect of the lives we live here, the loves we give, the legacies we are building. If what I learn about the Old Testament prophets doesn’t teach me how to tell the truth in my own time, how to love the people God is calling to himself, then the hours I spent upon it were worthless. If church doctrine classes don’t equip me to speak, in the language and metaphor of my own time, the living language of Christ, then I have learnt nothing at all. This learning must be a part of “life and life to the full,” life rich in the beauty and quickened light of Christ.
- Faithful :: We learn in order to know the living God. Michael Lloyd, the principal here at Wycliffe, in a talk given just before this one, commented (I don’t have notes so I’m paraphrasing) that theological study is, at base, the study of Love. In that light, I understand every jot of my pen here, every page of old text read, every essay eeked out in the wee sma’s as a journey deep into Love. And a rigorous training that will give me the mental acuity, the written and verbal fluency to make Love plain in my time.
So, friends. There you have it! I’m working on a C.S. Lewis essay today. I just finished Till We Have Faces, and now I need to form coherent thoughts about it. So for now, I take my leave. Over and out from Oxford.
Wycliffe Hall, from the back.
“You are now what you weren’t before.”
A matriculated member of Oxford University.
Thus said the Vice Chancellor to all of us gathered and smart in our “sub-fusc” at the Sheldonian Theater yester-rainy-day.
All I have to say? Glory be.
To be a “fresher” in Oxford means a free pass into the mazed mysteries of the “fresher’s fair.” When I first heard this term and found a purple paper bracelet in my pigeon hole offering me admission to this gala event, I had no idea what I was in for. A few booths in an echoing university hall? Free candy? A dozen or so student societies vying for my signature on their mailing list?
Dutifully, I followed the directions one autumn afternoon down the windy, leaf-strewn Parks road with the sun winking through the copper leaves. I passed the Radcliffe Camera, regal and golden under the sapphire of an autumn sky, and turned down the cobbles of High Street. I marched to the entrance of the famous Examination Rooms, home of the Fresher’s Fair, and joined what I suddenly realized was a rather massive group of students, all surging toward a back entrance, shepherded by security guards and staff through two widely opened doors. I suddenly couldn’t hear myself think. Sucked into the mass, I was pushed by crowds behind, drawn by crowds in front, and found myself through the doors and up a flight of stairs before I knew what had happened. With a last shove, I had arrived.
I found myself in a wide, bright room so crammed with people I could barely step sideways. A thousand voices rattled in my ears. The air thrummed with sound, thickened with noise so that I felt that I pressed against it as I walked. Countless booths lined the walls and marched at angles down the center of the room, decked out in various enticing signs, manned by persuasive, smiling people who reached toward us, pressing papers, food, pencils, packets into our hands. The whole of it felt like a jungle path down which we freshers began to run. Yes, run; the hurry of it was like a hand shoved hard against my shoulders. I passed from booth to booth and face to face in bewildering speed. Philosopher’s cocked studious eyebrows at me and shoved their mailing list in my hands. The Green party smiled amidst a rainbow array of pumpkins and sunflowers. The dance society twirled amidst their music and handed me a card for free lessons. The bearded Communist representative solemnly handed me a manifesto of some sort with dates for upcoming events. The Oxford Students for Life (check them out, they’re grand!) handed out packets of seeds, and the local Domino’s Pizza exchanged free slices for email addresses.
And that’s only a tiny sample of the first room. What we found as we stumbled along, friends trying to keep each other in sight, was that eight, nine, ten more rooms awaited. Door after door, hall after hall, booth after booth, all vying for our interest, grabbing at our hands and attention, smiling, calling, yelling, cajoling. After half an hour, my ears ringing, my hands overburdened, I began to panic. Our Bodleian Library induction was minutes away, and none of us could find the exit. Breathless, we pushed through two more rooms and found a stairway out. When I emerged into the cold air of the High Street, the wind tingling with a sudden rain, I took breath, and felt that I hadn’t really breathed in an hour. My heart raced as I ran to make it to our appointment in time but I felt strangely relieved to be free, as if I’d survived some strange ordeal.
Rarely in my whole life has an experience so overwhelmed me. Or marked my heart in so deep a way. But it took me a few days to discover exactly what epiphany had begun in me during that bewildering hour.
Meanwhile, orientation week took place. First, I fell in love with Oxford all over again. The throb and ache of this city with its countless hungering people, its ancient beauty, its rainy, leaf-starred streets is a beloved presence. I made myself at home in my little room, culling pictures and random crockery from the great little “charity shops” round every corner. I live in a rambling old hall with a chapel all dappled and quiet at its heart and classrooms up one set of stairs and a library down the other. The first week, known here as 0 Week, or “Nought Week,” was a round of orientation talks explaining just exactly what I’d gotten myself into. I discovered more libraries, and was inducted into the mysteries of more library systems than I probably can use for the rest of my life. I heard talks on mission, apologetics, communal living, time management, and Oxford expectations. (One of the talks, I’ll share here with you soon.) I signed up for classes, gaped at the reading lists, and bought my sub fusc (look it up). I registered for Old Testament, New Testament, Church History, Doctrine, Spirituality, and Christianity and Science (taught by the inimitable Alister McGrath). Oh, and I arranged a side tutorial in C.S. Lewis. You can be jealous now.
But the golden core of it was my daily immersion in new community. Life sparkled and throbbed around me in a house full of people who made their way from countless corners of the earth to study Christ, to learn Scripture, to think deeply, to write with excellence, to question with keen intent. My favorite part of the first few days was the stories. What course have you started? Where are you from? How in the world did you end up here? And why? Each meal was a round of queries, all of us crammed next to each other on narrow dining hall benches, or gathered in the noise of old pubs, or walking to some new orientation event. And the answers came as varied as gems in a king’s wild treasure. From missions, from academic glories, from jobs in London, or backgrounds in finance, or years in medicine or the military. From Russia, South Africa, Australia, Sweden, or the good old U.S. To be a priest, to start a mission, to learn to defend my faith, to start a theological degree, to learn how to teach Scripture, because I just want to learn about God. Each answer the first chapter of a story it will take the rest of the year to read.
And each a story whose core is the central story of Christ: the Gospel.
You know, somewhere in the last few weary years, I think the word “gospel” lost some of its meaning for me. Sometimes, when you have grown up in ministry, known Christians all your life, struggled with doctrine rather than salvation, the earth shattering fact of the gospel can get a bit dimmed by the words that surge around it. I didn’t realize that grace had ceased to strike me dumb until I sat, on one of the first mornings, on a couch in the common room and heard the testimony of several students. To them, for them, the Gospel was a living power of love that put its gentle, inexorable fingers on their heart and called them into lives they couldn’t have imagined before. For them, the Gospel is something that changed everything; family, life, vocation, identity. And in their awe, I began to regain my own, to be aware of Christ, his kingdom, his daily grace, as a love demanding far more of me than I have lately given, offering far more than I have lately asked. Unexpectedly, I found that orientation here was as much a matter of soul as mind. I’m ready to study… and worship.
Joy with my lovely new friend.
But several nights ago, with the verve and forward motion of classes still hovering on the horizon, I had a few hours of fear. I’d spent my weekend getting last details in place, finding books, ordering my room. And at times, it must be admitted, sitting in the quiet of a new place in which all the connections and friendships had begun… but weren’t yet fully grown. It’s easy to be anonymous in Oxford, to wander alone. It’s easy to feel, and be, unknown. And jetlag is a creeping foe, one that slowly weakens your every defense against weariness, fear, or pain. In the darkening afternoon, I knew a few hours in which the hurry and fun of the past week faded into an awful, murky quiet. A hush in which the old fears of loneliness or incompetence drifted into my mind with their gaunt haunted faces, the specters always attending any new adventure. I turned from them, a little panicked, and stumbled outdoors. I strode down the blustery St. Giles street, past the Bird & Baby pub, to an evening service at a church near the heart of town.
The hubbub of the gathered faithful in the nave was a beehive roar in my ears when I entered. I nodded shyly to greeters and made my way through crowds of strangers to find a seat. I’m sometimes tempted to think that I’ve outgrown my shyness, but moments alone in a roomful of strangers always prove me wrong. I felt my heart rate upping. I felt my soul snatching toward calm, unable to catch it. I felt all the fear of being alone far from home, a fear that for once, had stayed strangely at bay since my arrival. No more; it knocked hard on my heart. The noise around me felt almost unbearable, so many voices, too many strange faces. I considered bolting. Better a stiff slap of cold air in the face than trying to bite back tears.
But the music began. And the crowd around me began to hush. I was aware of the quieting almost like breath given fresh to my body. I eased. I knew the song and I let my tongue slip into the sweet old words of a hymn. Jesus. The name of Christ was often on our lips in that opening music. The noise of that big room and its many people gathered itself together into an uplifted harmony. I marveled at the way that a cacophony of disparate voices could merge, united inthe joined affirmation of worship.
And then… hush. All at once. As the leader spoke the opening prayer, the music ceased, and in that grand old hall with its echoing corners, not a voice disturbed the silence that followed his invocation. “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.” The words wove a fierce presence about us. I thought of the Gospel, a fresh, and living word in my heart. I savored the name of this God made flesh, renewing all things, and I listened as that name above all names drew our many voices into one concentrated instant of stillness.
And then I thought of the fresher’s fair.
I thought of the thousand competing voices screaming for the attention of every student that entered that hall. I thought of the noise. The way that, instead of uniting and hushing the heart, the thousand voices shattered it. I thought of the unceasing bewilderment. The way that an untethered heart could be buffeted from booth to booth, and with it, faith to faith. For that fair wasn’t merely a gathering of casual clubs, it was a marketplace for ideas. The fresher’s fair imaged Oxford itself, a place of privileged gathering for students from around the world, a city in which the competing philosophies of the whole world are on offer. This is the place where the next leaders of world culture come to form the answers to their fundamental questions, choose the philosophies they will use to craft governments, economies, art, novels, and discovery. But the whole world vies for their hearts, the rulers of the age and ideas of the moment contend in a wild frenzy for the souls of these young, hungry students. And in that wild milieu, the voice of Christ still calls, calls, calls, ready to answer every question they bear. But in the cacophony, will they hear it? Who will help them listen for that still, small voice?
In the silence of the church, I knew the whisper of Love in my own heart. Tell them. I thought of all my new friends, the ones whose stories had so quickened my weary faith. I thought of the thousands of students walking round Oxford, bearing a far worse loneliness or isolation than I could ever know, and I thought of the love that might shine in their darkness, the words of life that could tell them into, not just a philosophy, but a story. But more; the whisper was strong in my waiting mind. Love them. For love is the stillness that enters a life with a calm beyond the reach of fear or guilt or worry. The love of God is the great answer to the myriad hungers that jostle in our hearts from birth. Love is the word that names us and calls us home.
“Only the loved can love. Only the found can find.” I heard a speaker make that statement years ago (so long ago, I can’t remember his name), but it came to me as I stood in that quiet wrought by love. For I understood, in a way I rarely have before, the gift that my faith actually is. In a life like mine, with a long history of loving God and the many attending days of profound loneliness, of doubt, of new living situations faced, and abiding uncertainty, it’s easy to dwell upon all that I lack. To feel that I have more questions for God than answers, that I am adrift, unanswered, forgotten. But with the fresher’s fair vivid in my mind, with the restless, desiring energy of Oxford present in every pulse of thought, I understood that in knowing Christ, my essential questions have been answered. I have been loved. And found by a grace that forms and frees me. And my questions, the ones about identity and destiny and the hope of happy endings, have been profoundly, unequivocally answered.
And I must live from those answers. I must embody and sing them. I must, in my own life, and in the life of the Christ who illumines me, be an answer to those thousand questioning hearts at the fresher’s fair. The stakes here are higher than I have known them before. In a secular atmosphere, in a learned city in which faith is just one option, the imperative rests with those who embrace it to speak out the answers they have found. In the silence of the church, I was keenly aware of the rustle of the streets, the bustle of the questing world beyond. A river flood of questing, driven minds passed the windows even as I prayed. And I knew that the work of my life, whatever else I do, must be to let the love of God so richly dwell in me that I become a refuge where the hungry come to rest. Where the questing discover their answer. And if that is the only truth I learn at Oxford, it will be enough.
Sirens wailed out the window. Raucous laughter split the air. A chorus of friendly song rattled round the doors. A year of learning brooded on the brink of the morrow. And I knew that the story was just beginning…
My room is settled. The jetlag has (mostly) faded. And the splendor of this old, dear city settles around me, drapes itself over my shoulders like a good old coat that fits my odd knobs and soul bones and wraps me in familiar warmth. Adventures are never without trepidation, something I’ll be writing about in the next few days. New seasons seem to turn on an axis of anxiety at times. But for me, this time round, leaving home means a kind of coming back home to a place that I have known. More, a city that has known me and rooted me in joy.
Having a sister to greet me who lives just down the staircase helps too.
I think I am in for an excellent course. The conversations I’ve had thus far have been a lively mix of background stories and spiritual wonderings. There’s vivid life and swift friendship coursing through a place when every person has arrived on the doorstep by the long way of soul-deep questions. It’s a cut-to-the-chase kind of world, and I like that. I had an immensely entertaining and informative conversation with the dean (well, actually the principal, but the American equivalent is the dean) on the problem of evil. Tolkien came up. As did the Lindisfarne Gospels. You see? How can I not have fun?
And that’s not even mentioning the coffee shop deep in the stone roots of University Church, or the tousled meadow that lies a ten minute walk out my door, or the dubious joys of punting (this is not my area of giftedness), or the quickened wind breathing in my window every morning. More soon. Because there is so much to see, and tell, and to write is my way of “pondering these things.” But dusk is coming and I want my Port Meadow ramble. So over and out for now from Oxford. And a beautiful Saturday to you all.
The gates of Trinity College (my college when I was here before) at dusk on my first evening.
Same first evening; my first walk up broad street. That roundish building is the Sheldonian. See the sunset? It was my welcome gift.
Sunset as glimpsed from the stairway leading up to my 4th floor room. (4th floors seem to be my lot in life, as Anne of Green Gable’s was twins. I can’t seem to move anywhere without being lodged on the 4th floor. Well. Good for the muscles, right? I can eat another dark-chocolate digestive without guilt.)
This was also my welcome gift; the beaming face of my beloved Joy to greet me my first night at Oxford. We tromped downtown and split pork roast and roasted autumn vegetables and a salad with toasted hazelnuts, and we did it by candlelight and caught up on the thousand secrets there always are to tell, and then we roamed the old High Street until we found chocolate and coffee. To be here at the same time, to savor this together, is just plain glorious.
A glimpse of my room from the door. I get a rooftop and treetop view of the college chapel. I sleep with the window open and the air all cool and damp as I listen to the river run of the streets nearby.
Book. Teacup. Moon. Rooftops. My room and its view are satisfactory indeed.
In case anyone was wondering, I make the best scones ever. No, really. I should here be humble and admit that this is mostly due to the fact that I found a superb scone recipe. Which you can also find here. But after an afternoon in which a bit of baking and a good cup of tea seemed the fit and right and lovely thing to do, and the resulting splendor was a plain delight, I couldn’t resist a bit of boasting here. And I thought you might like to try them yourself.
The cultural overtones of scones and tea, however, fit a general theme of my life right now (as if tea ever didn’t fit my life) and it is with a cup of tea raised that I inform you of my upcoming move to Oxford. Oh yes, I’m headed back to the city of dreaming spires.
The story is long, the pieces that fell into place rather countless, and startling, the surprise of it almost overwhelming (it was all rather last-minute this summer), and the delight of it palpable every day.
I’m starting a year-long course in theology at Wycliffe Hall, and hope to do a bit of C.S. Lewis study on the side.
Just wanted you to know, so that when I post a bevy of Oxfordian pictures from my ramblings, you’ll know why. England in the autumn… now that is a full delight I have never tasted.
I’m sorry I’ve been absent from the space here for a bit. It’s been a whirlwind of a month. I will tell you, though, that I finally launched the Storyformed.com website, and released my new book, Caught Up in a Story. The delight, and let’s be honest, utter relief, of having those projects complete is profound. And to hold my finished book, a book in which I fought to express some of my deepest beliefs about story, in my hand, is quite satisfying to the soul.
I will be posting again soon. First, a companion post to the first one I did on the Lake District. I found some unexpected depths of thought waiting for me on that supposed vacation, and I’ve slowly been untangling them into a coherent essay. And then, who knows. Whatever new wonder I find.
For now, briefly, a few things that have caught my eye, riveted my mind, or challenged my thought of late.
First, the children’s novel I Am David. I’ve been perusing some children’s books I missed in childhood as part of the book lists and reviews I do over at Storyformed. I checked this one out from the library, sat down to skim it one early morning, and found myself riveted by the spare, frank, somehow tender prose recounting a little boy’s escape from a concentration camp, and his gradual education in what it means to be free. Not merely physically liberated. Not free simply to do what one wants. But free to experience the beautiful. To encounter joy. And even to submit to the holy bonds of love.
Second, I’ve returned to Thomas Merton’s The Sign of Jonas, a really soul nourishing collection of contemplations and journal entries from his early years at Gethsemani. This isn’t dramatic reading, nor are these long, well-argued chapters for devotional study. Rather, they are pieces, bits and gems collected from the years in which Merton was fresh to his vocation, daily formed in his views on silence, community, contemplation, prayer. He watches the sky, observes his own heart at prayer, marks his many frustrations, confesses his inconstancy, glories in a storm, or a swift bird in flight. It’s the kind of writing that settles me into my own ordinary, remarkable round of hours, reawakened to the possibility of an encounter with God in every nook and cranny of existence.
Third, I really love woodcuts and engravings. So when I discovered that Mary Azarian, the woodcut illustrator of some of my favorite children’s books, has a whole website devoted to her art and books, I was elated. And I acquired two of her beautiful books. If you, like me, love the spare, clear cut artistry of this kind of image, you will revel in her website.
Anyway. That’s that, my friends. I hope your summers are drawing to a satisfactory close. As I type, I’m watching the sun send a last flow of honey light down the valley. The aspens are beginning to shimmer in gold. The air is cool, sweet, tanged with the musty spice of dying leaves and damp earth. And a swift, fairy wind stirs the pine boughs and startles the birds in the dappled, purple sky. And an old lyric sings in my head…
There is something in October sets the gypsy blood astir…
For this, I see now, blessed, You gave me flesh,
The point of sense and muscle’s grip and skin
Was full immersion in this lavish earth,
A world to drench my senses; rough and tender,
Ardent lover, made to meet what reaches
Ever out in me, the whole a gift
To this five-sensed, sentient self; the means
By which I’m rooted in my place, but lifted
Too, in hunger, taught by every atom’s gesture…
Nestled on a knoll of sun-drenched grass, most of the way up one of the Grasmere fells, I scrawled the first of the poem above. For I was in love. And by that I meant in love as a swimmer is in water, drenched in the ardent beauty imagined and formed by the first and primal love “that moved the sun and spheres.” Tasting, touching, breathing a world so brimmed with golden air and undulating hills in carpets of shaggy, velvet green, and flowers in gemmed, wild profusion in old hedges, and ridges dotted with those clumsy innocents, the sheep, that every sense in me quickened, hungered, reached. And was sated by what it found.
I was in the Lake District for three days, a 30th birthday present to myself, a space of time in which I intended mostly to wander, to partake of beauty as if it were bread and I starving for it. A couple of days before I finally boarded the train to Windermere, I scrawled this in my journal: What do I really want while I’m there? I want my little girl heart again. I want that gentle, innocent self, the child, possible to me even now in adulthood if only I will make that inner room of quiet in which she breathes and sings. To work and bear and hurry are native troubles to adulthood in this world. But there is an essential rest that I think is reachable even amidst the whirlwind. A circle of hush in which that “still small voice” hums and speaks. That inner space, and the child who wonders within it, is what I hope to reclaim in my adventure.
And I did. But the wonder was that my guide and teacher was the gentle, gorgeous earth. I knew it afresh as the good gift it was in the beginning, the tale of God’s kindness told in every atom of existence, there for our daily renewal. I found the simple wisdom of the earth, it’s hush and humility, the way it retains and embodies the goodness to which it was called by its Maker, before the fall. But I found its profundity too; heard the low spoken prophecy that thrums in its beauty, it’s vivid, dying beauty, as it waits for the healing that will one day come. I walked and walked, muscles glad in their straining, skin livened by wind and sun and sweat, my whole self restored, returned to its rest by the taste of hedgerow blackberries, the swish of grass, the mad baa of sheep, the windsong, cloudbreath, and green, green laughter of the meadows. To share a bit of the glory here with you is my thanks:
Taken from the spot where I perched to write my poem. You see, I wasn’t exaggerating.
Bank Ground Farm, my home for a couple of days, and also the farmhouse on which Arthur Ransome based his “Holly Howe” in the Swallows and Amazons books.
Bank Ground Farm, the day I arrived.
Over and over, as I trod the long footpaths and bumped my way between towns on the rickety old buses in their dive down impossibly narrow roads, I struggled to describe the essence of the unspoilt landscape about me. And the word “benevolence” came again and again. This is a generous landscape. The sheer ebullience of vine and flower and color are a welcome in and of themselves, before you even step foot through the low, wooden doors of its houses.
What a pleasant sign, yes?
One of my favorite things about England: public footpaths. Those little arrows gesture toward countless meadow tracks and forest ways. You might meet a few friendly (or taciturn) cows, scare a sheep, or find yourself in the far corner of an upland field, but the possibilities are endless. Just follow, not the yellow-brick-road, but the little yellow arrows, and you never know where the road might take you.
One of the best salads I’ve ever eaten. Found after a long ramble. Please notice the sprig of lavender on top.
Salad… followed, of course, by tea, and my ever-favorite walnut cake. Imbibed on a tiny table set on a terrace peering up the cloud-wreathed Coniston water on a blue and white and golden day.
Brantwood, the home of John Ruskin. I too could write brilliant tomes on art if this were my home.
The sheep here are such curious, but suspicious creature. I am helpless in laughter every time they scuttle away from me in terror after I’ve attempted to make friends. Their defiant “maaaaaa”s only worsen my affliction.
My first day’s view, the boon of a long hike in the afternoon sun.
A good walk should always begin with a hearty tea. Preferably replete with fresh scones and plenty of cream.
Or it can begin with a ploughman’s lunch. (Either way, good food is a vital ingredient to the success of epic, Lake District rambles). Another of my favorite English features. Pickled vegetables, chutney, cheeses, salad, and crusty bread… there are few better meals on earth, in my opinion, and few better repasts to set one up for an afternoon of exploration.
My view as I ate my ploughman’s feast.
On the last night, wanting a simple meal and a good long walk, I trekked the two miles into town and got fish ‘n chips, the best kind, from a little chippy shop. They were hot and greasy, spattered with vinegar and salt, bundled in newspaper. And I walked halfway back, to a bench with a view right up the lake. And then, these elegant friends joined me and made my day complete.
But I have to end with this, with the words I jotted in my notebook at the end of my time: “I have rambled and climbed and crept through giant ferns and scrambled over rocks and walked a streambed up a mountain and scolded sheep and sweated right through my shirt and met the brazen gaze of the sun with courage and I sit, now, by a river, little girl Indian-style with hair a-tangle and the glint of sun pennies flickering in my eye off the running stream.
I am the child I ever was. I’ve arrived back home in myself, at rest in the old, sweet ease that is the mark of a soul at rest. I do not strive. I do not fear. I do not fret. I said that what I wanted to find in coming to this place was little-girl Sarah, the old, enduring innocence that waits to return when I actually obey the Psalm and make myself still, let myself know again whose goodness underlies every bit of the beauty I love.
But this innocence is not a simple nostalgia. There is nothing backward about the return to simplicity. I haven’t dwelt wistfully for a few days in ease, now to return, with a sigh, to a busy, adultish, but ultimately, more practical self. So often in our modern world, childhood and innocence are viewed as simplistic states, almost infantile, a backward state cured by savvy and cynicism and the street sense of the world. If my innocence is a return, it is regression only insofar as it is a retrenchment from an incorrect course. I walk back from the wrong road taken, I regress in the same way that my body returns from disease to a wholeness of health and self that is the only state in which any growth or forward motion can be attained.
Child-heartedness, innocence, simplicity, these are conditions of holiness, that fundamental health to which the soul must ever aspire. Innocence doesn’t mean a separation from care and sin, it means a chosen state of faith. A willed decision toward purity of heart. A state in which wonder is the operative consciousness, in which hope is native to each decision, in which thanks, sometimes simply by way of revelry in what is to be found amidst the ordinary, is the ground of discovery, education, and creativity. It is, I think, a state of grace, that fundamental orientation of self required by belief in a Father God. For to him, we are all, eternally, children. The world is his ceaseless gift, and right action, even in the care and work of adulthood, is formed in the soil of thanks, begun by a seed of wonder.
And now, if only I can keep my grip on this knowledge when I’m wrestling my way through the crowds at Heathrow tomorrow afternoon…”
After a summer off Facebook, I logged in for a few days to share some big news with friends and decide how to proceed regarding my future Facebook involvement.
The dilemma that became clear over the summer is that I very much want to be able to share small beauties, the little ones that won’t make it into a real blog post; book suggestions, photos, art, quotes, poems. To offer out again the beauties that “stab my soul awake” is one of the underlying goals of this blog and, really, of my life. Also, I want to keep friends updated as I travel and write (and oh, I’m going some interesting places this year, but more on that later). But I am adamant that I do not want to submit myself again to the information stream of the FB world, a deluge of details whose scrambling of my mind I just cannot seem to prevent.
So I’ve thought. Schemed. Dreamed and prayed. And I’ve stumbled upon a solution, one that involves my blog here and any of you readers who care to join me.
Here’s my plan: I’m going to nix my personal page for good. But I’m starting a public page where I can share the beauties I find that it would seem miserly not to offer out again. My Facebook page will basically be a smaller version of this blog, a place where I can post photos, songs, books, quotes, the little gems that come amidst ordinary days like a swift trill of birdsong, or a brief minute of ruby dawn. I won’t be interacting much, just sharing. My goal is for that page to be a source of small wonders, a place for any who visit to find nourishment and perhaps even an instant of quiet amidst the busyness of the day.
Here’s what I figure: if the internet is inescapably present in modern existence, then I’m going to do everything I can to shape it into a conduit for reminders of the ancient ways of earth and art, home and friendship, song and story. I’m going to rule it, as a queen does the realm she has been given. If Facebook there must be, then I will bend its unruly will to my own goal to restore hush, kindle wonder, live thoroughly alive to the vibrant world, the ancient rhythms God made for our daily nourishment. If you want to join me, I’d be delighted. Go here, or just click through the photo below.
And may beauty attend your way this late summer day.
“Our girl is here!” Gwen says the instant I walk in the door. And Larla, Gwen’s ninety-five year old mother, turns to greet me. Her grey eyes are so crammed now with the past there’s almost no room for the present, but she gives me a questioning smile. “We love her,” Gwen says matter-of-factly, patting her mom’s shoulder as I stoop to give her my arrival kiss. “I love you hon,” she says in the faded voice I know well, and pats my hand in her brisk way. “We’re glad you came to see us.” And finally, with another glance at Gwen, she nods as if she has decided for sure and turns to look me straight in the eye: “You’re our girl.”
Those words are a small miracle to me. I visit Kentucky only twice a year, once when the dogwoods are skirted in pink, and once in the fire of fall. It’s rare I can visit in between, and while Gwen has known me from birth, Larla hasn’t. I’m not, as they say in those Kentucky hills, “kin.” I’m just an occasional visitor. Yet Larla, even with Alzheimer’s disease, has never forgotten me. Each time I come, she knows me afresh. Some part of her retains its hold on who I am and the fact that she loves me.
I was marveling at this again last week during my spring visit and decided one morning to write about it. Larla sat next to me at the breakfast table patting my left hand as I used my right to jot random musings whenever I got the chance. Gwen was in and out with eggs and orange juice and I was in search of the perfect word, my mind working to the rhythmic clatter of frying pans, when Gwen popped out and asked her mom, “have you said good morning to our girl?”
And in that instant, the mystery cleared. Something about having my pen in hand allowed me to see that Larla had always known me because I had been told into her story. Gwen, I abruptly understood, was a narrator. The moment I walked in the door, Gwen began to tell me into the story of her own life and that of her mom’s. Word by word, statement by statement, with comments about “our girl Sarah,” and “how much we love her,” she narrated my presence into her mother’s life. Larla never had a chance to forget me. Gwen sets the scene by helping Larla to greet me, she paints the back story with tales of my visits as a tiny girl, and moves the scene forward with constant affirmations of how lovely a thing it is to have me there. She hugs me in front of Larla, includes me in every detail of her care, and laughs so often that Larla can have no doubt that my visits are gladsome things.
Gwen has used her words to frame me into belonging. This is storytelling at its most real; narrative at its highest power of love. As an author, I am keenly aware of the power of narrative. I struggle so often to get just the right words in place when I attempt to describe a character, because I am profoundly aware of my power as the narrator; that masterful voice tells a reader exactly what to think of any character. A reader’s affection or disgust for a book’s characters is based on the words in which they are framed. Narration is a form of creative power.
What Gwen has helped me to see is that this power is present in the real life, workaday world as well as the novel. Here we are, all of us telling stories about each other every day. I see now how much our relationships are formed by the narrative of our conversations, our spoken affection or disgust, our gossip (or hopefully, lack of it), our love when it spills into speech. In this light, the power of a word like “welcome.” is as good as “once upon a time,” because it opens the possibility of friendship, of laughter, of belonging, What crackling possibility. What creative potential, what worlds await us in the most ordinary of realms.
I love that all people – writers, readers, or not – are made to be storytellers. And I think that all God-lovers are required see themselves in this light. We begin with the understanding that God is the first Storyteller of our lives, the one whose narration in Scripture set the scene of the world, sketched our identity, revealed our parts as heroes, heroines… or villains. But I think we partner with him in narration. Faith is one kind of buoyant of storytelling; we speak what we know is true and cannot see. But so is love. Love is a powerful form of narration. Love chooses to speak what is possible about the people it describes. Love narrates lonely people into families. Love uses every word of its story to tell all people into grace. I have decided that I want the narrative I tell about other people to be a hospitable sort, one that tells people into my life as Gwen told me into hers. I want there to be a fireside feel to conversation, a sort of pull-up-a-chair invitation in my words. I want to say to each person that happens into my days, “come on in, I’m going to tell you into my story.”
And by God’s grace, it’ll be a good one.
This is a repost from 2010. Larla has since passed away, but until the day she died, I was “her girl.” I have been thinking a lot lately about the way in which our words set the stage for the story we live, and for the story into which we invite the people around us. I’ve seen a lot of discord this year. And I know that words can kill off a friendship like a cheap character in a novel, or they can tell a hungry soul into the story of fellowship, the story of love. May we all be narrators like Gwen.